You know, this week has been quite the emotional roller coaster. For once, my life and week has not hinged on my job. There has just been so many things to think about!
1 - I'm so darn tired! i know, i know...JUST SLEEP! easier said than done, my friends. this problem has resulted from the other things going on in my life.
2 - Where am i going to live? i'm about ready to rent my house out. my lovely house. MY house. don't get me wrong, i'm terribly excited to move into a brand new nice house with two very, very good friends of mine, but really...i'm going to miss my house. and living alone. funny thing is, the "brand new nice house" will not be finished until probably May or possibly June! if i rent out my house in April, where does that put me? Probably on a sofa somewhere...which i'm fine with. but in the mean time, there is quite a scramble to get last minute house improvement chores done.
(Refer to #1 again...)
3 - Where is my life and relationship going? i have someone very close and dear to my heart that is getting ready to "take the next step" with his girlfriend...and its really hitting me.
you know, i'm a very stubborn person. i don't know when or where it happened. that's the only thing that got me through that stupid test...my stubbornness! i so was not about to quit just because thing weren't going the way i thought they were supposed to. i've definitely lived life thinking, "well, i've come this far, I just need to do what i need to do to make things work!"
maybe stubborn is the wrong word. maybe persistent or, or...someone give me a word!!! i always wanted things to work out.
you know, i remember in college a moment that really changed my way of thinking. my friend kelli was mad at me. again. lord knows she's the only one i was able to really piss off in college. i was in the cafe talking to merv and kimi, and i must've said something along the lines of, "oh, i'm going to have to see how she's doing, see why she's mad, and see if i can fix it..." or something like that.
both kimi and mervyn were like, "why? do you feel like you did something wrong?" to which i answered, "no."
so why try to fix something you aren't sorry for?i don't know why. i didn't try to fix it, and she ended up forgiving me later without either of us breaking down and having a dramatic scene or anything.
i don't know how that story relates to what i'm trying to say about myself. all i know is that i want to fix things!
in my group of friends, i'm known as the mom. i like to plan, entertain, make sure that all the bases are covered and everyone is okay. i think i've always been that way. with kelli, i was probably trying to make sure that SHE was okay more than me.
i definitely have the spirit that i want to go out there and fix the world's problems. well, at least the problems of those around me that i care for. sometimes solving things that i also get to reap some rewards from to (for instance, i've found myself hoping to date someone in order to show him that it is possible to have a good relationship...and because i wanted to... :))
almost two years ago, mervyn came to visit florida, and while sitting around catching up, either him or jim pulled out an Oprah magazine of mine. it was a february month, therefore, the topic was on love.
it was quite fun to go through the magazine with them, but the most fascinating thing was when one of them read somewhere that women, often times date men for the men that they think they will BECOME. for me, that was an old thought. for them, that was quite the new thought! women look at a guy and see the man that he is and the man that they think he will become. men? they just see the woman for the woman that she is and...that's it.
i said, "OF COURSE THAT'S WHAT'S HAPPENING! if i had a nickel for everytime i heard the phrase, 'he's like this right now...
but he has so much potential', i'd be so rich!!!!!"
yeah, the guys had never heard that phrase come out of a guy's mouth.
if women didn't think that, you would rarely see a woman with a man her own age...
i'm a hopeful person. i am of the mindset that if you work hard enough at it, it will happen. don't give up!
but at the same time, i'm starting to think, i can't expect the tortoise to wiggle out of his shell and dash the 100 meters in seven seconds!
its just not him! its just not in his genes, his makeup! when does one call it quits on things? when do i say, "i've had enough of this job, these people, this relationship?" i've never been the one people pointed to and accused of not giving 100% (well, except for one relationship, which i am still calling myself a jerk for), but using my theory, you would think my life would be the way i wanted it to be because i didn't like to give up and fail.
its not. i am satisfied with my life, but its far from what i thought it would look like when i thought of my life at 26 almost 27.
does anyone have any answers?
hopefully this weekend will give me peace of mind.
Happy Sabbath and Easter weekend everyone!
