When did I get so control-freakish?!?!?!?!?!

I've just had a tough week. And its all because things didn't go the way I planned it, like I thought it would (or should) go. And because of that, my life sorta-kinda sucked all week.

I'm in charge of all the music for my church service. Last weekend, my first week "on," the group scheduled to do worship, well, it didn't work out, and I found myself Friday afternoon, desperately looking for a group. We planned this group far in advance, why didn't things work out?

So, I had to miss out on a large part of my own birthday get-together last Friday night because I found myself having to be part of my makeshift group...and thus started a week of H-E- double-hockeystick. Here's a run down of my week:

• Week 2 worship group backs out.
• Missed my scheduled important weekly church meeting
• ...because my trusty Cavalier broke down in the middle of a busy road
• Waited nearly two hours in the hot, humid Florida air for tow truck
• Forked over much-needed $$$ to repair my aging Cavalier
• Newly acquired 'Palm' was not working the way I imagined it would
• Screwed up company programs due to above 'Palm' problems (had to admit to company tech support what I was doing)
  
• Was turned down by numerous groups and individuals to perform this week resulting in personally having to participate in Week 2 worship service
• Woke up sick
• Woke up with no voice

I was in a terrible mood all week. But you know, I realized that I'm pretty darn good at putting on a mask. I actually got an email from a friend telling me that she knew I had a lot on my plate at church, but it was great that I was handling it so well, and it helped those around me to calm down.

WHAT?!?!?! What was she talking about??? I was a complete mess! I'm glad those around me didn't see my unraveling. Unfortunately, the closer someone was to me, the more they saw of the real me...and frankly, I felt sorry for them. I was snappy, I was negative, I was whiney... I didn't like the real me, I wanted to me my mask...permanently!

And the one closest to me definitely got the brunt of things. Why is it that those that are "privileged" to be let in find themselves as human punching bags?

I guess you take the good with the bad, and I really learned something about myself. No matter how much you plan, organize...things completely out of your control may happen, and you can't beat yourself up for them when they come. Now, I'll never be passive about things...I'll do everything in my power to have things work out. But stressing and working myself sick isn't good.

And you know what? I look at the bullets above, and I see that I failed to list the positive things that happened to me this week:

• I was able to organize music and singers together in such a way that everyone was happy, and it'll turn out just fine. Plus, I got to know these singers who were excited to help out this week better. They are fabulous singers and girls...
• My knight in shining armor was able to get my car fixed at a fraction of what it should have cost. thank you.
• My palm worked, and my tech support...was new and was only too eager to make everything better (and, really, part of my palm is for work...)
• I was able to get off work early because of the car and being sick and was able to recuperate.
• Work was pretty light and doable

If i looked at it that way, my week wasn't sooo bad. and i learned about myself and my tendancies. and I'll work on my faults...

...hopefully this upcoming week will go according to plan...babysteps, okay!?!?!?!?! :)